I just started looking at this blog a few days ago and I love it. I also entered a poly relationship a few days ago… and I’m slightly less sure about that.
I am dating a man who is also married. His wife is strongly poly-oriented and until he met me he didn’t understand the concept. Now he and I are in the flush of new love (We were strictly friends for four months and the introduction of physical intimacy has created the kind of fireworks I’ve only ever read about. Very intense.) and I’ve never been happier. His wife and I are on very good terms and so far thing are going swimmingly. My secondary status at this point is related only to the fact that he and she share the usual responsibilities and attachments of legal marriage. I do not feel secondary in his heart.
In fact… THAT is the thing I am slightly concerned about. He’s in love with me. I’m in love with him. It might just be some serious new relationship energy but the way he talks… it’s like I’m the real love of his life and she’s a friend and partner that he respects. Am I entering a poly relationship with a man whose marriage is on the rocks but just doesn’t realize it yet? Am I setting myself up to feel like a home-wrecker? Is the poly label a band-aid over our affair?
I’m new to this whole thing and probably overreacting and over thinking – but I’d love some outside input.
If you’re trying to label yourself as the “real” love of someone’s life, I’m not sure you’re (Blind Io forgive me for going here) really approaching this as polyamorous. Sounds to me like you kinda would be pretty happy if he dumped his wife and got with you. If it’s not you and this is the way he’s talking without your expectations, you might want to sit down with your favorite cuppa and give this a good, hard think.
The whole point of polyamory is that you can be in love with more than one person. You know that, I know that. Does he know that?
I will say that if he’s going to dismiss an old partner for the new and shiny, he’ll dismiss you for the new and shiny further down the road. Watching very carefully how new partners treat old partners is an excellent way to predict behavior once the NRE wears off. Worst relationship decisions I ever made was ignoring this and making situational excuses in the throes of NRE. Learn from my stupidity.
From the couple’s perspective, “relationship broken, add more people” is never a good idea. At best, it’ll precipitate a breakup. But it can often trigger explosions as well. You don’t want to be the schrapnel.