I am new to the poly life style and am having a hard time sharing my husband of 13 years with another woman. It is something we had always talked about and thought about but now – that it is happening I am having such a hard time with jealously – and these feelings that I am not good enough for him or that he likes her more – or she is prettier – or what do they talk about? I really like this girl but at the same time I feel that her and I haven’t bonded and they have. Another problem is – I am Bi – and when discussing this whole situation with my husband in detail prior to starting a poly lifestyle we had agreed to have a Bi woman for us and it would be just the 3 of us committed to each other – so her not being into me but into my husband hurts me and it makes me feel rejected. I want to keep it going in a way to see if it works and she can grow comfortable in this with me but then at the same time I want it to stop because i feel left out and it feels like i am just sharing my husband and he is getting the best of both worlds while am I holding my jealously and insecurities in my hands with no one to talk to about this.
Okay, the real deal is this: it is not a great idea to insist that you find someone that is into both of you. If you need to remove the feelings of rejection from it, you might want to think of yourself as chocolate, when she might prefer key lime. It’s not a big deal, nor is it a sign of personal worth.
Feeling left out? That can be an issue, but it kind of depends on what you’re feeling left out about. Are you getting social and fun time with your husband? You certainly have a right to ask for that. Do you feel like he’s getting to be involved with people and you’re not? If so, why? Do your agreements forbid you from dating? Are you allowed to date people who would not be involved with your husband? If not, are you really cool with that? I wouldn’t be, mind, and I’ve seldom seen it work out long term. Neither am I a particular fan of the One Penis Policy, as it seems specifically designed to throw the burden of overcoming insecurities on the female partner. Though if you’re bi and what you really want is to date a woman, that my not be the issue.
If you’re not dating because of your own choices, I’d say some re-evaluation is in order. Is it time issues? Is it confidence? For what it’s worth, I’m d’une certain age, not slender, and have rather solitary tastes. The combination might be the kiss of death for dating, but I don’t have any particular trouble meeting people who I enjoy being with, when I trouble to get my ass in gear and… well, you know, go outside and talk to people.
I wouldn’t be comfortable with a rule where any partner of mine and I had to date mutually. Has it ever happened that a partner and I were involved with the same person? Sure, and when it evolves that way it can be nice. But the stricture of insisting on it really means that someone might be forced to deal with uncomfortable emotions where other partners get a “Get out of jail free” card on that score.
And I’m not sure that’s a happy or healthy way to approach any sort of mutual relationship.
Yes, yes, yes, you do need to deal with your own insecurities. No doubt! But believe it or not, it’s not because of your relationships or solely to be okay with your husband dating, but for you.
Some things you might want to think about:
- Comparison sucks. You are a unique human individual. Are there people prettier? Possibly (I have no idea what you look like). From my own experience, all of my partners have been involved with people more physically attractive than I am. Every. Single. One. And while it’s slightly possible in one case I was dumped for someone more attractive, I know damned well that was a corollary issue at most. I promise, if you’ve been dumped solely on looks, especially after 13 year of marriage, you’re being done a damn favor. You do not need his shallow ass, no matter how in love you are.
- Your partner(s) almost certainly love you for exactly who you are. What makes you you? That’s what you’re probably loved for. The best thing you can possibly do is be yourself just as hard as you can. Those partners involved with prettier people? They were into me for my own self, exactly as I was. I didn’t need to be the prettiest, smartest, best dancer or give the best blow jobs. I just had to be me, because that’s who they were interested in. And who the heck wants to be involved with someone who isn’t into the human being that you are?
- If you’re wondering what they talk about, for the love of Offler, ask. I swear, I’d have very little column fodder if people would communicate with each other. ASK. Asking questions is a very good way to find out things. We learned that on Sesame Street, for pity’s sake.
So, stop comparing, ask for what you want, ask what you want to know about and
Bloody well be the awesome you that you are!
No-one else in the world can possibly pull it off, after all.