I ran across some utter nimrod spouting the “Consent is HARRRD” whine in a new and gloriously idiotic way. The assertion?
“Women like it when a man takes charge, therefore they don’t like being asked for their consent. It turns them off.”
*facepalm* Dewd, are you really that unimaginative an idiot? First off, not all women like that, any more than all men have a particular taste. If you run with that sort of script, chances are good you’re a mediocre lover at best. Treat your lovers as individuals and get to know personal quirks. I know this is radical and all, but in theory, you’re doing something kinda intimate. Being intimate about it might just work.
Nevertheless, for the not insignificant fraction of people who do like to be dominated to a greater or lesser degree in bed, it still does not preclude consent. Without getting into too much TMI, I share the taste. I am also happily involved with a man who checks in frequently about what I like, don’t like, want, etc. This is not even close to a paradox. Don’t believe me?
You can turn it into a bit of a dominance game, if that’s your fancy. Whisper in your partner’s ear and insist on a description of what the partner wants. STOP whatever it is you’re doing and say, “If you want this, you’ve got to tell me you want it…”
Throw out the idea that asking and checking in is somehow a turnoff because the man isn’t “taking charge.” Not only is it nonsense, it’s unimaginative nonsense. Throw out the copout and use your brain.
8 thoughts on “More on Consent”
This This THIS!!
I prefer guys who make the first move.
A wicked grin, and
“Did you want me to X?”
Is an INCREDIBLY sexy, totally consensual first move.
And second move.
And so on.
I figured you’d enjoy this as well. My jaw just dropped when I ran across the comment this post was a reaction to.
This, this, thisity this all the this!
I think I totally know what post and the comment that you’re referring to.
He sounded like my whiny-ass EX-husband, who blames women for over-complicating things and sending HIM “mixed signals”, yet, he’s excused for being unable to correctly interpret the signals (often simple blunt statements!) because “he can’t take a hint”? ….Here, let me grab my clue-by-four for you….. WHAM!
About six years ago, I wrote the following after seeing something on a website that said, “… failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.”
My friends, let me just say this really, really clearly: the lack of a “NO” is not the same as a “YES”. Did you get that???
Seek consent. Do not make sexual contact of ANY KIND with a person from whom you have not gotten verbal consent. Seriously. It’s really not hard. What are we so afraid of? Are we afraid that the person will say no? Stop and think about that for a second. “I’m going to do something to this person without asking him if he wants me to… because if I ask, he might say no.” Wow, is that all kinds of effed-up, or what? Are we afraid that we will look uncool or stupid or awkward? Maybe so. But being respected makes a person feel good. Having someone express respect and concern for my well-being in a sexual – or any other – situation helps me to open up and trust them. Which builds a better connection on all levels, which leads to better sex and better communication and just lots of betterness.
In the BDSM and D/s world, we participate in what’s called “scene negotiation”. This is where the individuals who are going to be involved in a scene (a planned encounter of a BDSM or D/s type) get together and discuss the plan for the scene, each sharing zir ideas and desires and limits/boundaries. It’s consent on a whole new level from what I’ve ever experienced in the vanilla world. And it’s hot. 😉 Vanilla folks could learn a lot from this. Like, everybody is way more likely to get what they want, and way fewer people will end up in uncomfortable situations where somebody feels like they were violated and somebody else feels like they were misunderstood.
Negotiate, my friends. Seek consent. It will make you more confident, more relaxed, and happier in your sexual relationship(s).
Gosh, this post was exactly what I needed! I have been trying to figure out sexy ways to ask for consent and be able to defer to the other person while still being in the active/top/etc. mode. Like, honestly, I would love another post with more examples of this kind of thing.
I think it is hard, honestly. I can ask for consent in ways that are very, uh tentative and demure, but asking for consent confidently is really, really hard. Because it’s riskier in a sense; if I ask for consent hesitantly, receiving a “no” will be easier for me to roll with. If I say, “if you want this, you have to tell me you want it,” then it will be more awkward if the answer is “uhh yeah not really..” I think some guys want to dodge this entirely by whining about asking for consent, but all that does is shift the risk. Rather than risking the possibility of being explicitly turned down, they risk, well, all the shitty stuff that can happen without good consent practices. So if I am gonna ask for consent why not do it confidently?
Anyway this post was very helpful for me, thank you.
I guess what I mean is, I don’t agree with the way you make fun of the idea that consent is hard. The problem with the people who say that isn’t that they think it’s hard, it’s that they are trying to argue it’s not worth the difficulty. I think it is hard, because being vulnerable is hard, and clearly and unambiguously stating what you want and intentionally introducing the opportunity for the other person to say they don’t want it, that is a vulnerable place to be. But I think it’s indispensable.
I agree. Consent and vulnerability can be very difficult, but they are absolutely indispensable. I’m willing to offer specific ideas on how to seek consent in specific situations, if you want to talk some of that out. Feel free to email me using this username at gmail.